For everyone、none of them are the same

strangely、My mother's death is not "death"、just peace without suffering、The body is not a "corpse"、neither a thing nor an idol、In a sense, I felt that it was "something" that was half-hearted.。

get a death certificate、While driving home with my mother in the car from the hospital in the middle of the night、I didn't feel particularly sad (maybe it was because I was excited)。Rather、inhalation mask、Tubes and various drips、without “intervening persons (things)” such as doctors and nurses、I feel like I've finally returned to my straight family.、I talked to my mother who was wrapped in a blanket.。"I'm going home."

"Boobs" and blood、basically the same thing。Medical facts that every woman knows、Surprisingly unknown to men。But、I feel that it is a common sense perceived by all mammals.。All of us (including wild animals)、They grew up sucking their respective mothers' blood.。

I touched my mother's cheek dozens of times right before she was cremated.。Rather than cold、It feels good (thanks to the funeral service provider's "cooler")。and picked up the bones。fleeting、Imitation of pseudo-nursing care。My mother's shriveled nipples that I should have sucked、Disposing of the stool that at first did not want to be seen。my childhood、He saw everything about my childhood、brought back some bones。

value of painting、the value of painting

After my mother's funeral、Some people asked me, ``What are you doing now?''。``I've always been drawing pictures.'' ``Will it sell?'' ``I don't feel like selling it now.'' ``Isn't drawing a waste then?'' ``It's fun, but...、それで生活できなくては何にもならないではないか」

説明などする気もないが絵の道具もないし暇だから話し相手になってやった「酒は好きですか」「結構飲む」「それでお金が入りますか」「馬鹿ではないか酒はお金を出して買うに決まっている」「酒は身体に悪いでしょう」「それはそうだがストレス解消でもあるし」「ストレス解消はいいがそれで体を壊しお金もかかるのは無駄ではないか」そこまで言うとたいてい相手は私の意図が解って突然攻撃的になる

「だいたい芸術なんて高尚なフリをしているだけで社会の何の役にも立たない」「芸術がわかるんですか」「何の役にも立たないかどうかどうやって確かめたんです?」「酒が体特に脳みそに悪いのは証明済だけど」まあこれ以上は仮に腕力に自信があってもやめておく

「目先の役に立つものは危険だ」と私は思っている例えばきれいな空気静かな環境そういうものはすぐに役に立つものではない。Apparently, the questioner thinks that "the concrete result of sketching" brings fun.、「空気をきれいにする機械」「静かな環境を整える会社」そういう「役に立つモノ」には私の中の警戒警報が鳴る絵を描くこと絵を見ることはきれいな空気や静かな環境のようなものだと考えている

mother's death

my mother died。May 30th 23:57point、It's almost midnight。I stayed in the hospital alone.、I was (or was supposed to be) accompanying my mother who was breathing heavily.。

But、I'm just like a wooden monk、Just because I was next to you、I was not able to fulfill my role as an attendant.。I was under the impression that I was being monitored at the nurse center.、For some reason, I couldn't get the idea to press the button on the monitor in front of me to check.。Because it looks painful、Even if you change the position of your head and neck with the nurse,、I couldn't think of the idea of ​​looking at the monitor myself.。It's not like I didn't know how to do it.。just press the button。cardiac arrest in progress、I was told that I had stopped breathing.、For the first time, I remembered that and pressed the button.、I saw the words "Undeterminable"。

After all、When the end is near, I call my younger brother and sister.、I couldn't fulfill my role of meeting death.。Have a nurse perform detailed treatment、Let them stay safe until the morning they come、could not fulfill the role of。Why are you staying in the hospital?、lack of awareness that、In short, all I can say is that it's stupid.。